Will Belonging Still Find Me?

“The healed version of me/you, is going to be meaner.”

The first few times I heard that, I wasn’t sure it was what I was going for. I don’t want to be mean. However, for me as I have grown and healed, this sentiment definitely rings true. I say no when I don’t want to say yes. I speak the truth in situations where it would be less uncomfortable to gloss over it or say nothing. I don’t waste my time in circles where people are committed to misunderstanding me or expecting me to shrink to fit in. Ive taken to heart the lesson that “nice” and “kind” are not the same thing. I am becoming a more kind human, and maybe a less nice one.

The ”problem” that comes with this is that while it brings me peace in many ways I still want to be liked. I worry about perception. As a business owner in a small town I worry “what if none of them like me anymore? What if they never really did?” The price of authenticity is setting the mask aside. Letting people really see you. It’s vulnerable. It’s scary. And I’ve already discovered that many people will not care for you. A lot of times those people don’t like to see you without a mask because authentic energy demands authenticity in return. And that is uncomfortable. Not to say that anyone who doesn’t like you has work to do on themselves(don’t we all though??).  Sometimes they are reflecting something back to you for you to process about your character or the way you are showing up in the world. I’ve learned to pay attention to who the criticism is coming from. Some people are holding up a mirror I need, others are simply reacting to the fact that I’m no longer playing the role they preferred.

There has already been a small group of people in my same line of work who have chosen to perceive me poorly and slander and bad mouth me to anyone who will listen. This only serves to amplify my fears. What if everyone believes them and doesn’t believe who I am? Choosing to continue to show up, and show up as myself, feels like an act of bravery. My ego and my identity feel that if things should go south for me it would be equal to death.  Intellectually, I know that’s not true. People survive rejection every day. Businesses survive criticism. Communities shift and change. But some part of me still believes that being fully seen and not chosen would be unbearable.

I started this blog originally as a way for me to put my authentic voice out there. I wanted it to be a little more incognito so that people, especially the people that I love and care about in my little community, wouldn’t know that it was me for sure. I wanted to connect with others on a journey of self discovery. Because I believe that there are MANY of us who delight in seeing someone else heal and become more of who they were always meant to be. And yet I doubt and fear what it means for myself to be seen. What if I’m not chosen? What if I’m perceived(whether correctly, or incorrectly) in a way that is not welcomed by the community that my business relies on to be successful? What if the place my heart and soul tell me I belong doesn’t accept me? Woof. How can I have so much faith and belief that growing and healing in yourself bleeds into your community and then into the surrounding communities, and that this can really make a change, and yet still be so utterly terrified of the consequences if I’m wrong?

A lot of unanswered questions.

I do hope that even if some of those fears come to reality that I will find a soft place to land. And that those who are meant for me find me and I find them. That my love for the place I live and the people that live there with me will be reciprocated.

This is currently my next layer of healing. Not learning how to be authentic; learning how to survive being authentic.  And to find out for myself the answer to the question “If I stop adapting myself to earn belonging, will belonging still find me?”